++ d aWaiTeD aRriVaL ++

On the 22nd day,
D team of doctors in nicu has decided to discharge Malisa.
But mommy requested to postpone one day.

So Malisa was discharged on Thursday.
We had to leave Maeisya.
But Z will go visit her everynite.

1st nite with Malisa was quite challenging.
She woke up evey 1hour.
I seriously felt like a zombie.
Tambah lagi 3nites before i roomed in with her in nicu.
Mmg x ckup tdo.

But i think i know what she wants.
She wants to sleep on my chest.
So last night i slept very close to her n she slept well thru d nite!
Ini sebjik perangai abg Zareef masa dlm confinement.

I wonder wut would happen to me bila Maeisya dah balik nanti.
Haha.

Btw,last week i received d letter of agreement from KN.
Alhamdulillah.
Rezeki besar utk kami sekeluarga.
It is beyond my expectation...
:)

Terima Kasih Ya Allah.

++ MiRaCLe MoMeNt ++

Dah 2weeks+ baru rasa nak menulis balik pengalaman bersalin kembar.
Ni pon sbb dah makin hlg details of the event.
Banyak urat putus agaknya.huu...

Tues (4/6/13)
Admitted sbb ngadu kat doc yg 2nd twin kurang gerak.
Details of d story ade kat n3 sebelom2 ni.

Wed (5/6/13)
Pagi2 tu as usual a group of doctors led by Prof Norzi would do ward round.
As they approached me, Prof Norzi terus shook my hand n greeted me happily.
Again, she said "congrats,u have made it this far! Alhamdulillah!"
She told d group of docs yg ada kat situ how she had always given me poor prognosis n almost zero hope thruout my pregnancy.
My case was totally rare n bizzare to her.
>50% discrepancy in sizes from w18.

i asked Prof Norzi kalau boleh discharge on that day.
Prof Norzi cakap tak boleh. I would be admitted sampai deliver.
She said we had taken a lot of risks to drag my pregnancy up to w31.
So dia betol2 nak monitor n make sure i deliver d twins safely.
She even instructed me to start fasting from 12 midnight sampai pagi.
Kalau ada ventilator (waktu tu ada isu ventilator sume penuh), they would prepare me for csect.
Kalau x ada,boleh makan macam biasa.

So i stayed in d hospital.
Wondering to myself bila la agaknya boleh keluar.
That night, Z x datang visit.
I wanted to hv my dinner,
Tapi nasik tumpah atas katil.
Perot lapar, so i munched a packet of biscuts.
Dlm kepala dah susah hati macam mana nak puasa from 12am kalau dinner tak makan.
N ada rasa x sedap hati.
So lepas solat isyak terus baca surah maryam n solat hajat.
Sepanjang preganancy aku selalu buat solat hajat, n that nite i had a feeling yg mcm itu solat hajat terakhir sblom bersalin.
Pujuk hati utk tdo.
Ajaibnya x dela rase kebulur ke apa malam tu walaupun x makan nasik macam selalu...

Thurs (6/6/13)
Woke up before 7 n terus solat subuh.
Habiskan surah maryam yg x sempat habis semalam.
Again, i had a funny feeling that morning.
After subuh ingat nak mandi.
Tp tengok doc dah mula buat ward round.
So i decided to wait for my turn.
N ada nurse dtg nak buat CTG.
Masa tgah buat CTG nurse panggil 2org doctors lain to assist her sebab something was wrong with d readings.
They discussed something.
Smiled awkwardly at me n told me to wait for Prof Norzi.
Prof Norzi came n examined d result of CTG.
Then she said d baby or babies (cant recall) was/were distress n i needed to go for emergency csect immediately.

I was totally in shocked.
I asked abt d ventilators.
Mmg x ada kosong lg.
But then becos the baby was distress, they couldnt send me to other hospitals.

They asked me to inform husband n prepared me for d operation.
Dah la tak mandi.huu.
They changed my outfit, put on d shower cap,
n put on d catherer.
Mmg takut gila masa nak pasang catherer sbb org cakap sakit sgt.
I asked d nurse to be gentle.
Alhamdulillah tak sakit.
Just a feeling of uncomfortable je.

I called Z.
He was at home.
My family pon mmg kat umah dah time tu.
But they were all unprepared as well.
Z tgh tdo.
Bila btau nak kene operate dah,
die siap tanya,"syg main2 ke?"
Haihhh.

I asked him to come to d hosp ASAP.
pastu dengar dia cam ngelabah.
Lepas hang up nurse bg ubat tak sedap.
X tahu utk ape.

I was wheeled to d OT.
Perasaan bercampur aduk.
Dah la sorg2.
Mentally n physically unprepared.
But i was lucky i didnt eat a lot d night before.
Ada hikmahnya nasik tertumpah.

I jumped d queue untuk masuk OT.
Sbb kira my case should b prioritized time tu.

Sampai OT, i needed to change bed.
Da la ade catherer tergantung tu.
I was so anxious n nervous.
Ada pakar bius datang n explained d procedures which i cant remember now.
N nurse dtg bawak documents to sign.
Patutnya hubby atau waris yg sign. But since i was all alone, so sndiri sign.
Ha-ha.
T-T

N then they pushed me to d white room with big lamp.
Haha.
Mcm dlm tv tu.
I think my mind was numb on that morning.
Sbb tengok sume org dlm tu bz preparing everything.
I dunno whether to cry or what.
Mcm dah x tau nak rasa apa.

But bila teringat Zareef...
Hati jadi sebak.

Pakar bius dtg.
Then they helped me to sit straight.
A pillow was given.
Doc ckp peluk bantal tu kuat2.
Die nak cari nerve ke ape tah to inject me.
Nak bg bius separuh badan tu.
Again i was so scared sbb org kate sakit.
Two nurses helped me to bend down.
Aku peluk tgn sorg nurse tu.
Tp alhamdulillah.. X sakit jugak.
Syukur.
N they helped me to lie back on d bed.
Pakar bius waktu tu baik sgt.
She tried to calmed me down.

Aku tanya dia,macam mana nak tau bius tu berkesan ke x.
Sbb aku slalu dgr scary stories org kene bedah mase bius tak function lagi..
Takutttt!
She asked me to wiggle my toes.
Boleh.
Tp bila dia suruh lift up d legs, terasa berat.
Then she said it meant that ubat tu tengah berjalan.

They put a cloth depan my face.
Taknak bagi tgok d whole process la kan.
Doc bius ajak aku sembang2.
But when Doc Idayu letak d knife on my tummy,
Aku rasa pedih.
Automatic aku btau dorg aku rasa pisau.
Huhu.
Then doc bius cakap,
Aku boleh rasa org raba2.
Tapi i wasnt supposed to feel d pain.
Aku cakap aku paham.
But d one i felt earlier was pain.
Doc Idayu letak n gores lagi skali.
I still felt d same pain.
So i let them know again.
Doc bius suruh doc Idayu hold on dulu.
After a minute or so,
I think i was totally sank.
So doc Idayu pon start belah my tummy n i wasnt feel pain at all.
But u can feel they were doing something to d tummy.
Doc bius was there d whole process.
She would letme know what was happening.
Sambil ajak borak2.

N she told me yg dorang dah nak keluarkan my 1st baby.
They ruptured d water bag.
Gussshhhh...
Basah air ketumban meleleh sampai ketiak aku okeh.
N d nurses pon cheered 'banjir!banjir!'

Masa dah keluarkan Malisa aku x dengar pon dia nanges.
I was a bit worried.
Doc bius cakap ada pakar kanak2 kat situ tengah handle my baby n i should not worry.
Aku cuba nak intai apa dorg buat kat baby tapi kain yg dorg letak depan muka tu mmg a big barrier la.

Then Doc Idayu keluarkan 2nd baby.
Dengar dengan jelas Maeisya cried.
Comel sgt bunyinyaaa!
Again x nampak what they were doing to both babies.

Masa nak muka stitching,
Tetibe aku rasa pening n nak muntah.
Aku btau doc bius.
So she checked my pressure n did something.
Lps tu rasa tenang skit.

Habis jahit they cleaned me up.
Masa tu dah half naked je.
N who cares?
Terpaksa jela redha sbb mmg camtu agaknya dorg buat.
T-T

Masa dorg removed d cloth depan muka,
The first thing that came into my sight was my twins.
Tapi x nampak jelas.
Ada 2 org doctors were doing something to them.
But i could hear d nurses were commenting how small they were.
800grammer - what to expect?

Before ditolak keluar,
Pakar kanak2 told me that both of them needed breathing help.
But d hospital did not have enough ventilators.
The babies will have to use yg emergency room punya ventilators.
So kalau ada case mak kena beranak macam aku,nanti d next babies tak ada ventilators at all to support the babies.
They will try to get other ventilators from other hospitals.

Perasaan adalah sedih sebab tak dapat lgsung tgok my babies.
Apatah lagi nak sentuh.

I was left for isolation dlm 30mins.
Lepas tu baru dorg wheeled me back to d ward.

Sampai ward, Z n family tak sampai lagi.
Haihhh.
Dok la aku sorg2 atas katil.
Nurse dtg n btau aku x boleh bangun for d 1st 6hours.
X boleh terus makan.
Kena minum air ksong dulu. Then kalau x muntah boleh try milo.
N kalau boleh trima milo, boleh try makan porridge.
Masa time Zareef dulu aku ingat lagi aku muntah banyak kali after bersalin.
Tp kali ni alhamdulillah Allah mudahkan sumenye.
Aku x muntah langsung n nurse n doc terkejut aku dah makan porridge ptg tu...

Aku kol Z n btau aku dah abes operate pon.
Lepas 15min dorg sampai.
Z n mak muka sayu je sbb aku sorg2 d whole process.
Aku suruh Z tengok twins kat bawah n get some updates.

Itulah pengalaman bersalin secara csect.
Everything happened so fast.
Mmg x rasa sakit masa tu.
Tp post pain dia aku tak boleh lupaaaa.
Biarlah bersalin normal pada aku.

Now dah 2weeks.
Kadg2 sakit masih terasa.
Cuma x macam 1st few days tu la..
Huu scaryyyy!

Malisa n Maeisya,
If one day u two read this,
Mama wants u to know that everything worth it when i delivered both of u to d world.
It was a battle. A gamble.
And mama n papa are proud that we made d right decision n be firm with it.

Zareef, Malisa n Maeisya r d most precious gifts from Allah.

Psst: x tahu la akan bertambah lagi atau x lepas ni. Rezeki Allah, aku terima seadanya... :)

++ DaY 10 ++

I wish i have d time to blog about d day i delivered my twins.
Even d babies are not around,
I am still struggle to express d milk n with d frequent visit to nicu.
Kena tulis jgk ni takut lupa plk nanti.

I am here in hukm.
Baru lepas visit little zaras.
Alhamdullillah.
Sekarang both of them are trained to breath by themselves.
No more breathing apparatus attached on the body.
Malisa is weighing at 1.6kg; Maeisya is 780gms.
Ada slight decrease in weight which is normal according to them.

I have started d kangaroo care with both of them yesterday.
Macam x pecaya.
After 9days baru dapat cuddle n hold my little ones in d arms.
Puas ciom n peluk.
=)

Hari ni tadi nurse cakap dah boleh train Malisa on direct feeding.
Tapi Malisa x pandai lagi.
Ade a few times she tried to suck.
Selebihnya dia tido.
Hahaha.

Maeisya pon tido lena bila we did kangaroo care td.
I cant wait to put both of u side by side.
Muka dorg sama (yela, identical twins kan).
Cuma maeisya nampak kurus.
Malisa ada pipi yg boleh dicubit.
Hehe.

Alhamdulillah.
I hope no more medical issues lepas ni.
Biarlah mereka dapat membesar dgn sihat dan sempurna.
Amin.

++ KeMBaR 3 ++

Itulah yg kawan-kawan cakap.
Hehe.
Genap 8hari lepas kelahiran Malisa n Maeisya,
Arini KN dah start buka on9 order.

Alhamdulillah.
Allah swt adalah sebaik-baik perancang.
Bertambah lagi keluasan rezeki kami sekeluarga.

Terima Kasih, Ya Allah.

++ 3 ++

10/06/10 - 10/06/13

++ ZaRaS' uPDaTeS ++

D main concern of d twins earlier was there were no ventilators available in HUKM.
D doctors had to call hospitals from south perak down to batu pahat to check for ventilators.
Tapi memang semua penuh.

So my twins were sort of 'squatting' kat Labour Room.
Amazingly,hanya Malisa yg perlukan ventilator.
D small Maeisya depending on CPAP.
So my main concern was that Malisa might be moved to different hospital kalau ada ventilator.

Yesterday morning Z wheeled me to d nicu to visit Zaras.
MasyaAllah.
Maeisya is such a tiny baby.
But then she is very active.
Malisa was sleeping n she looked a bit tired.
I couldnt stand too long.
Enduring d csect post pain was unberable.
T-T

D paed was there,
So i asked her whether Zaras will still need to be moved to other hospitals.
I cant imagine if one is sent to batu pahat,d other 1 to melaka (for example),how am i going to keep up on visiting both of them.

D doctor told me that Zaras r not going to be moved sbb both of them r on CPAP now.
Alhamdulillah.
Lega sgt2.
These two r miracle babies.

When i told Prof Norzi n d team abt d babies' conditions,
They were so happy.
Prof Norzi was a bit shocked how fast Zaras cope with d breathing problem.

Ya Allah. Ya Allah. Ya Allah.
Plz protect n ease my twin daughters' journey.
Ease their pain.
Help them gain d awaiting weight.

++ aLHaMDuLiLLaH ++

06/06/13
10-ish AM (will b updated)

I have given birth to a pair of identical princesses via emergency csect.

Everything happened so fast.
Both of my twins are having breathing difficulties but according to doctors,
They are doing fine.
I hope everything will b fine.

I havent had d chance of touching my own babies.
Dapat tengok dr jauh je.
Z dah masuk nicu n amek gambar wpon x boleh.

I will need to start walking today.
Catherer dah cabut.
Not sure how to bear with d pain.
Nak bangun duduk pon sakit amat semalam.
T-T

Will update more.

Welcome to dunya my princesses...

Nur Zara Malisa - 1.66kg
Nur Zara Maeisya - 800gms

These are d mighty fighters!

++ WeeK 31, WaRdEd n ZaReeF ++

...gambar lama yg mengundang tangisan...

Here r i am.
Being hospitalized for more than 12hours.
Couldnt sleep though.
This is my 2nd time being warded after d 1st one at Pantai Pu3 delivering Zareef.

We went for Doppler n Growth scan earlier yesterday.
Somehow d blood flow result is still d same as last week.
Twin A is now weighing at 1.8kgs n Twin B is at 747gms.
They are growing.
But later when i went down to c another doc,
I told her that somehow i feel twin B has less movements.
Andddd taraaaaaa!
Here i am.
Trus warded!
Dang!

Warded around 1pm cmtu.
They put d ctg thingy on my tummy to check the babies' heart rate.
D doc told me that i cant eat.
Coz if d result is not satisfying,
I will go thru emergency csect in d evening.
D ctg test went on for abt 1 hour due to technical issues.
Patah pinggang.
But Alhamdulillah.
D 1st result was ok.
Doc ckp boleh makan n i was d happiest mommy in the world.
Z tapau my fav lauk from kayu kandar.

After lunch,
They gave me dexa shot.
Kali ni mental wasnt as strong as d previous one.
Terasa sakitnyaaaaa.
Tp xde la nangis.
D pain subsided abt 15-20mins camtu.
But later at nite i started experiencing d post pain.
Kaki kebas.n babies mengeras semacam.
N just now i completed my 4th dexa shot at 3am.

Bila Z balik around 6-ish,
Aku dah mula rasa sunyi.
I havent talked with d neighbouring ward mates sbb dorg sume tgh sakit.
Ade yg tgh bear contractions, ada yg baru lepas deliver..n d one next to me baru balik from labour room.her hubs n relatives didnt look happy n there wasnt any bassinet being wheeled next to her.
X macam org lain yg lepas deliver trus nurses anta baby kat d mommies.

I started texting Z n cried.
D truth is,i miss Zareef n Z damned much.
These past few days Zareef was so clingy to me.
Everynite he would ask me to cuddle him n he would wrap his hand around my neck.
His nose touched my nose.
I miss him.
I miss him badly.
N i started thinking that i need to spend more time with him before d twins are delivered n absorbed every1's attention.

I was crying so bad behind d curtain that i didnt realize d nurse came in to check on me.
She was on shocked seeing me crying n started checking my tummy as she tot i had contractions.
Ha-Ha.

I know i am so fragile right now n this is not good.
Z came at 9.50 with Zareef.
He had to sneak Zareef in.
I started tearing seeing Zareef n couldnt stop kissing his face.
Z brought kfc n i enjoyed watching both of them eating.
I hugged Z while he was eating n played with Zareef at d same time.

They werent long sbb mmg bukan visiting hours.
I wanted to say a lot of things to Z but couldnt utter any words.
Peluk n ciom Zareef like mad n cried like mad.
Haihhhh.
Z kissed me trillion times n i think i wet him with my tears.

I better stop typing all this out.
Banjir lagi ward ni nnnti.

I dont know what to expect after this.
Tomorrow Prof Norzi will come check on me n explain d planning.

I still hope n pray that we can hold on to week 36.
Allah listens.
But i believe He will always have better plannings.

It is already 4.37am.
I barely slept for d past hours.
D newborn babies r crying every 10mins.
Hehe.
A training session for d future twin mommy i guess.

I was abt to sleep just now when i became sentimental all over again.
Looking at d chair Z sat d whole day n d bed Zareef sat on....hmmmm...

For d past hours, there were so many times that i felt hopeless n helpless.
It took me a few minutes to gain back my senses.
What d hell has gotten into me?
Ive been so strong before this to be here at week 31.
In fact the darlings inside are mighty fighters as well!

I have to b honest that twin pregnancy is never easy.
It has taken its toll on me.
Ive been riding d emotional rollercoaster.
One thing that i learnt is my spiritual journey has never been this absolute.
Alhamdulillah.

Till then.
I will update what is going to happen later.
Jurnal for self reference.
:)