Wednesday, March 20, 2013

++ TriPLe JoY ++

arini nak cerita pasal 3 good news that i received yesterday!

so yesterday we went for another weekly checkup at HUKM.
d moment d scan started, 
I could see that both babies look d same by now.
masih ada growth rate difference somehow.
tapi not as obvious as last week.

d smaller twin is totally active.
dari last week, sampai semalam, sampai sekarang...
memang rasa dia kicking, elbowing n punching me.
team yang in charge semalam was quite impressed.
dorang cakap, 'even though d size is small, but the baby is totally active!'

after the scan session that took about 1hour,
(lenguh pinggang mak aih.)
sonographer pon tukar dua kali...
d prof(not yg last week punya),
she came to talk to us.
dia cakap d problem is inside the womb.
something that we can't really do anything.
saluran makanan ada masalah,
but saluran oxygen is still fine.
that is why we can see the smaller baby is still growing.
it can be worse somehow (nauzubillah)
but lets pray everything will b ok!

and because of that, we definitely will have to see them every week!
mama tak kesah sayang!
janji eventually mama dapat cuddle both of u!

i like the way d prof talked and approached us yesterday.
she spread positive vibes!
yg last week tu kan bagi option sakit jiwa tu.
but then i'm sure that was part of their responsibilities.
tapi sukalah yg semalam tuuuu!
next week dia cuti.
so akan ada sorg doc laki pulak replacing her.
but then she said, 
dia akan tetap monitor me from far.

i'm thinking of taking a big leap this year.
something to do with my career.
semalam dapat partially good news la.
banyak lagi nak buat.
tapi i've been waiting for 1month+.
bila dapat berita semalam rasa macam ada sinar kembali menerangi.
harap sangat ada rezeki.
kalau dapat, sesungguhnya ia akan memudahkan banyak perkara.
moga Allah permudahkan rezeki yang ini juga.

Bagai Bidadari... dah dipinang untuk diterbitkan!!!
terkejut jugak.
yelah, baru 6bab.
aku rasa perjalanan nak jd novelist ni quite berliku.
masa awal-awal dulu ada masalah gak.
tapi aku tak cite kat sini.
aritu pon bermasalah.
tapi alhamdulillah,
kalau kita sabar...
Allah mudahkan jalan kita.
barulah rasa bersemangat sikit nak siapkan manuskrip kan.

aku tahu,
i shouldnt fly too high.
kena selalu ingat tempat berpijak.
anything can happen.
bila-bila masa nikmat boleh ditarik balik.
buat masa ini, hanya rasa syukur yang aku ucapkan!
Terima Kasih ya Allah!

Monday, March 18, 2013

++ TKC ++

last week lepas baca novel,
dok belek-belek la novel tu.
yelah..berangan nak tunggu novel sendiri kan.

then email editor KN,
tanya nak kena bagi apa2 tak untuk terbitkan TKC.

pastu Nad pon reply,
katanya macam tau-tau je yg die memang nak mintak a few things.

so during last weekend jenuh la siapkan blurb, copywriting, sinopsis, penghargaan...
tak payah share secara details sangat la.
nanti fakta dimanipulasi pulak.

arap2 smooth journey la lepas ni...
ramai yang dah tak sabar nak peluk TKC.
meeee toooo!

mood nak tulis Bagai Bidadari... kejap ada kejap hilang.
nak bukak lappy yang malas bebeno tu sebenarnya.
masa ada je.

oh, semalam sudah mencecah minggu 20.
sudah 5bulan mama bersama anak-anak mama.
harap Allah memanjangkan lagi nikmat ini.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

++ oF 19th WeeK ++

Detailed Scan

so yesterday, I was scheduled for detailed scan at HUKM.
we went there at 10am n were attended by 11am.
freaking 1 hour of waiting time.
normal la kan.
we learnt from our lesson.
kali ni both Z n I brought our reading materials to kill d time.

when i walked into d scan room,
a few doctors were already there.
in fact Prof yg specialist in the prenatal/multiple pregnancy problems was there too.

Z sat next to me.
n the scan session began...

both babies are still growing.
in fact this time we can actually see their faces.
d eyes, noses, lips, fingers...
d organs...
kidneys, bladders, lung...

d only problem is...
the second twin is still smaller compared to the first twin.
almost 40% discrepancy.

then they did Doppler Test.
i read a lot about this test.
1st twin is perfectly normal.
2nd twin susah nak measure.
the baby kept on moving n hiding...

after 1 hour...
the Prof came and sit next to me.
explaining details that we have been hearing so many times before.

the difference is,
this time around they are sure that it is not TTTS.
but it is SIUGR.

SIUGR means only 1 baby's growth is affected.
yg normal tu is ok.


if the SIUGR baby is not able to survive,
the 2 normal twin will be affected too.

if SIUGR baby is dead in the womb,
the normal baby MIGHT die within 1 week.


if the normal baby is survive,
30% of the survive babies are exposed to brain damage.

Scary right?
there is more...

so d Prof explained to us what we can do.

1. we can actually do nothing and pray that somehow the SIUGR baby will be able to pickup nutrients and develop the growth. catching up with the other twin.

2. we can undergo a procedure, whereby a needle will be inserted into my womb. n they will kill the SIUGR doing this, the normal baby can be saved.

my question was:
"Doctor, you mean we kill the baby?"

her reply was:

n i straight away tearing.
how could i do such thing?
we are not talking about removing the dead baby.
but we are talking about killing the other baby who is perfectly developed n still active.

i couldn't digest everything properly.
i know the doc was just doing her job to explain situations and procedures.

i am at my 19th week.
they can only take out both babies at 28th week.(at least)
lebih lama babies stay in the womb will be better.
tapi nak menyampai ke 28th weeks seems impossible to them.

i don't know.
i couldn't stop crying.

i believe that if Allah has determined that both babies will be mine,
then it is meant to be that way.
n if Allah has other plan,
by taking away one of them or both,
let it be with Allah's own way...

i did ask the d Prof,
is there any case where the SIUGR babies eventually recover themselves.
she said yes.
there is 1 couple from Johor who comes to HUKM for the same case.
n somehow d SIUGR baby develops n now they are out of danger zone.

i felt relief!
even a slightest chance means a lot to me!

my little fighters inside...
don't worry darlings.
mama n papa will never give up on both of you.
we love u a lot.
n we believe that you both are strong enough to go thru this.

if anything happens against our will,
i want both of you to know that mama loves you so much.
i'm not taking any actions not because i don't care...
but i just couldnt choose between both of you.
you both are my angels.
you both mean a lot to me.
n i shall never choose...

mama, papa, abang Zareef, opah, atok, aunties...
all are praying for you two.

stay strong plis.
mama needs both of you...

every punch, elbow n kick i feel inside are like little messages that they are trying to send to me..
telling me that they are still holding on...
n mama should not give up on them...

Monday, March 11, 2013

++ MooD ++

tq Allah sebab mengembalikan mood menulis saya!

after such a longgggg break, 
aku dah sambung semula manuskrip kedua.

to be honest,
i personally love the storyline for Bagai Bidadari...
habis saja siapkan manuskrip TKC,
a week after that aku dapat idea for BB...
n waktu tu aku rasa d storyline is strong and aku dah nampak gaya penceritaan yang aku nak.

in fact, 
ada yang personally message n comment cakap gaya penulisan aku dah berbeza.
i did feel the same thing actually.
sebab masa TKC aku masih tercari-cari identiti kot.
sekarang dah rasa selesa.
aku harap Allah akan sentiasa membantu aku untuk mengembangkan bakat yang dipinjamkan ini.

aku nak tulis novel yang berkualiti.
aku nak tulis novel yang ada identiti.
aku nak tulis novel yang ada intipati.

sebab apa?

sebab segala apa yang kita lakukan hari ini,
harus menjadi saham kita di akhirat nanti.

jangan lakukan sesuatu yang sia-sia.
aku percaya Allah sentiasa di sisi untuk membantu aku.

happy monday.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

++ HeLLo ++

hello march.
i was on hiatus for some time to find peace of mind.
kdg2 x sangka ade manusia yg bila kita cakap elok2 x nak dgr.
but when we used harsh words baru nak paham.

ok.lets just forget about it.
lantok die la meroyan sorg2.
alhamdulillah aku dah pilih jalan terbaik utk menggapai impian n cita2..

now nak fokus on 2nd manuskrip.
alhamdulillah publisher bg good review on TKC.
dorg motivate for 2nd manuskrip plk.
skrg sedang mencari mood.
sbb aku adelah takde mood.

im already in my 18th week.
i did go to demc on 25th feb.
masih benda yg sama.
d doc detected significant growth rate difference between both babies.
tp still x dapat identify d actual cause.
too soon,too small.

so doc tanye aku nak keep checkup with demc or refer to gov hosp.
aku pilih hukm sbb kat demc sekali checkup rm200.
kalau sebulan sekali x pe jugak.
ni my case is a bit rare.
so doc ckp akan jumpe as frequent as every fortnight or weekly.
so we opted for hukm sbb one of my colleagues told me that her sil pon twin pregnancy with same problem macam aku.
besar kecik ni..
at first they went to pantai medical centre.
tp dorg pon opted for hukm due to financial concern.
alhamdulillah,after close monitoring...
last 2weeks dah selamat deliver pon.

yesterday i went to hukm.
dkt 3jam baru settle..
sgt lama hokkay.
1st time checkup kat hosp gov.
sakit pinggang.
doc hukm pon blum boleh identify anything.
possibilities tu ade la doc listed down.

nxt two week kena dtg for detailed scan.
d following week jumpa doc pakar dia..

aku rasa aku dah sgt2 down for d past 1month.
people become excited when they know that im carrying twins.
pastu selalu plk tanya ok ke x..
so i honestly jawab d babies' conditions.
x pasal2 ade yg nanges depan aku sebab sedih.
ayat2 simpati n pandangan mata yg kuyu2 tu dah selalu sgt dah..
alih2 aku plk yg put on my fake smile n assured them that I AM OK.
padahal dlm hati hujan tsunami...

slagi larat aku buat solat hajat..
lama2 ati rasa tenang n sgt +ve.
i joined kelab dianugerahkan kembar on fb.
talking to those experience twin mothers calm me a lot.
ade yg had d same experience n dah selamat pon deliver both babies.
i hope my journey will b at ease jugak.

both babies active during d scan.
gender pon dah tau..
dah tau masa kat pantai pu3 actually.
ni dah 3x diconfirmkan gender.

mama syg dua2..
nak dua2..
mama n papa non stop praying for u both.
i want to hold both of u in my arms.
raise up both of u..

yet Allah knows d best for us.
apa pun yg Allah has planned for us,
i am thankful for this experience.

you both will always be my babies.