++ RaYa oH RaYa ++

less than 1 week before we r going back to hometown.
that makes this d last weekend to shop!
n incik Z adelah kerja sabtu n ahad.
sobs!
hanye boleh shopping malam-malam.
which i think will limit d time n places to go.

petang ni da chup nak g alamanda.
iftar n nak beli handbag guess idaman itu.
arap-arap masih ade la....

yesterday we went to empire hotel for iftar with nippon paint.
it was d prize giving ceremony.
makanan sume sedap!
i ate two bowls of soto, a plate of nasik, macaroni cheese,
lamb steak,fillet, chicken, n many bites of cakes...
adoila sedap n puas gile makan!
cant wait for d paint makeover.
tgah choose colors.
i think i want d feature wall to be in orange.
complimentary color biar dorg pilih la.
huhu..

after d ceremony has finished,
we went around empire mall.
1st time sampai.
taktahu pon ctu ade mall.
before this lalu tepi federal highway ingatkan shoplots je.
looser kan.
masuk pumpkin patch n beli jeans n kemeja for Zareef!
1st jeans for him
hahaha.
harge pumpkin patch murah jugak.
macam osh kosh.
tp osh kosh mahal sikit.
better la dari poney.
jeans baby kat poney seratus lebih!
tambah lg seratus lebih da dapat jeans levis mama!
T-T
kat pumpkin jeans die 80+ n kemeja 76 rasenye.
so tinggal nak beli kemeja/ overall brown je kat Zareef.
mungkin cari kat osh kosh esok.
pastu complete la barang Zareef.
raya tahun ni..
baju Zareef dari poney ke pumpkin ke osh kosh ke baju melayu
sume skali 600+!
gile!
x sedar pon kluar duit banyak tu!
bile dok kire tadi baru perasan!!!!
aduii...
da boleh beli tv flat screen la sayang..
tak kire lg expenses tiket die nak g taiwan n flight fees die..
yg tu lg 20 nak 1k..
T-T

kesimpulannye bulan ni duet bukan kluar mcm air.
tp da macam tsunami.
:(

mama masih listing benda nak beli for raya.
da berkenan a few blouses n sleeves.
insyaAllah nak g beli nanti.
jeans still thinking nak amek levis or others.
sbb levis confirm 300 punya.
tp kalah membeli menang memakai!
so pk n pk lg....

aritu gatal buat rambut.
taktahu la nak suke ke x.
mcm x suke!
uwaaaa!

Zareef is turning 6 months soooonnnn!
kepale budak ni kebal betol.
da bape kali terhantuk mcm-mcm.
die tak nangis.
mommy die yg da bergenang air mate!
nasib beli buds 1st aid aritu,
cepat-cepat sapu...
risau betol.
1 rumah die dah sapu.
lepas ni pasti lebih mencabar!
T-T

++ ..... ++

i become emotional when writing or sharing my BF experience.
[breastfeeding ye.bukan boyfriend]
last week i tot i'm ok.
tak kesah la kais hari ini utk makan esok...
but when d menstrual cycle hit me,
d milk production dropped again.
aku mcm dah pening n runsing n stress n GIVE UP.

serious rase give up sgt.
penat dah.
taktahu nak telan ape dah.
shaklee blom try lg btw...

yesterday morning, i pumped out 3oz pon amek mase 30mins.
then Zareef nanges nak nenen.
tp susu da abes masuk dlm bottle!
sian sgt dgr die nanges.
suap die solid food.
die makan sungguh-sungguh sbb lapar sgt.
then bile dukung msti mulut die nganga cari nenen jugak.
tapi aku tade ape nak diberi pade Zareef.....
T-T

so i texted Z.
i told him dat i am giving up.
dah taktahu nak buat ape.
nipple sampai da besar semacam n sakit kot sbb asik pump.
eiii..trauma kdg-kdg...

my BF journey is not only rocky,it is also bumpy n...dead end maybe?
tapi bile nak give up,tgok muke Zareef mesti hati jadi sayu sesayu sayunye.
sedih sgt kot.
i keep on asking myself.
hv i done my best?
hv i tried everything?

i put my health at a risk right now.
tah.serious tah taktahu nak buat ape dah.
aku masih akan pump.
cume really,
Zareef kene topup dgn FM bile dgn kak Mas.
atleast dgn kak Mas die minum gak.
dengan aku mmg bersilat die tamo bottle.

cucuk Depo, peod gelong.
makan Yasmin susu kering.
berjenti Yasmin,peod gelong.
bile peod,affect susu lagi.
da tu camne?
org len rileks je aku tgok.
x makan supplement pon B keras dgn susu.

tapi tu la...susu ni rezeki dari Allah..
siape lah aku nak persoalkan knp rezki org lebih...
rezki susu die banyak,
tapi aku byk rezki lain...
begitu la Allah mengadili hamba-hambaNya..
sesungguhnya aku dah redha sangat-sangat.
tapi keadaan Zareef yg tanak minum FM kalau dgn aku ni...
buat aku kesian sgt kat die.
bg FM macam minum racun.
ade skali tu...
aku suap FM...
mate die pejam.
kemain die nyonyot kuat-kuat.
pehtu die terbukak mate n sedar yg aku bg bottle.
terus nanges tepis botol.
adui la anakku....
asalnye da minum da tuh...

ntah.letih da nak menyedih dgn nasib diri.
cube setakat terdaya.......................

ohye.
duit usim dah masuk.
duit bonus da masuk.
alhamdulillah.
petang ni berbuke di hotel empire subang.
nippon paint prize giving ceremony.

tak sabar nak shopping raye.
nak complete kan ape yg tak pernah-pernah cukup.
hahaha.

Zareef is turning 6 next week.
hadiah utk Zareef adelah slow cooker utk masak bubur!
n kalau ade rezki lebih nak beli high chair utk die.
insyaAllah...

YaAllah..sesungguhnye Engkau yg menurunkan rezeki kepada setiap hambaMu...aku bermohon jika masih ada rezeki susu utk anakku, Engkau mudahkan lah perjalanan ini Ya Allah. Namun jika sebaliknya...aku redha...kumohon mudahkan lah anakku menerima susu selain susu ibunya...dan semoga dia tetap membesar dgn sihat dan sempurna..jauhkanlah aku dari rasa sedih dan bersalah ini...sesungguhnya Engkau yg Maha Mengetahui...

++tHanK u to U ++

alhamdulillah.
thanks pade kawan-kawan yg bg support bile aku cite pasal bf.
ade yg msg,ade yg pm kt fb,drop comments n all...
thanks sgt-sgt.

sbb aku tade join mane2 group breastfeed mommies.
just share dgn 3,4 org kwn-kwn yg same-same ade bb je...
so tade tempat mengadu..
thanks ye kawan yg prihatin!

alhamdulillah.
lepas 3,4 ari stop Yasmin,
susu dah kembali banyak.
tade la banyak sgt smpi melimpah ruah.
tp alhamdulillah,bekalan Zareef cukup.
dah 3+oz FM masuk dalam perot Zareef kat umah kak mas.
nak korek balik tak boleh.
tapi lepas ni boleh suh kak mas stop bg FM.
selagi susu mama cukup,Zareef minum susu mama je tau!

arini pegi sacc mall shah alam nak cari baju Zareef.
last month pegi ade 1 kedai [name dirahsiakn]
ade jual baju osh kosh yg agak murah.
bile tanye kat salesgirl,die kate original.
tp last month dtg x beli.
so tadi g dgn ayuni mektok nak beli la 3,4 helai.
harge memang murah la dari osh kosh d curve.
so aku cam peliks la.
mungkinkah reject kan.
sbb label kat belakang baju tu mcm ade conteng.
macam kat reject shop punye baju.
tanye sales girl,
die kate bukan reject.tp sbb ni bukan butik osh kosh,
jd dorg kene conteng label tu.
aku double triple pelik!

aku dok bising2 kat ayuni ni mcm baju reject.
salesgirl kat sebelah tu buat muke tak puas hati
n cakap ni bukan reject jugak.
then aku dok belek overall ni,
rupenye butang sebelah lain-lain.
tgok overall yg lain ok.
yg ni pulak butang pelik.
hahaha!
aku pon panggil salesgirl tu tanye.
die kate mmg mcmni fashion nye.
pehtu aku tunjuk overall lain yg button normal.
die terus bawak baju tu g stor!
huh.

then aku belek overall lain.
rupenye ade jahitan yg buruk.
amek lg 1 yg len,
overall len ade 4buttons,
yg ni ade 3 je!
huh nampak sgt setiap satu mmg ade cacat nye kan!
kan reject namenye tuh!
overall tu 59.90.
rase kat osh kosh dalam 79.90 kot.
so baik beli kat sane.
aku tak kesah sgt yg defect sikit2 o kat belah dlm.
sbb bukan org nampak kan.
tp masalahnye sampai sudah dok cakap bukan reject yg aku bengang tuh.
langsung tak beli pape.
nak g d curve cm dah lewat.
so len kali la g beli kat butik osh kosh sebenar.
bukan osh kIsh!hahaha.

masuk body shop tershopping plak barang mekup.
belanja ayuni 1.
aku beli 3.
tade dlm list pon nak beli makeup raye.
dasar shopaholic.
x dpt osk kosh g beli body shop pulak.

before balik singgah fabulous mom.
asalnye nak beli ni

aritu Zareef luke bawah hidung.risau sgt.yg ni ade teatree untuk treat luke bb.

terbeli jugak ini.******************************************************************

tadi first time dalam tahun ni berbuke sorang.
Z bukak kat hotel company blanje.
next week baru bley bawak spouse.
tetibe sayu bukak sorang wpon Zareef ade dok bergolek depan TV.
selalu Z yg bace doa.
selalu ade je bende nak sembang.
selalu ade je bende nak gaduh.
arini makan sorang-sorang.
terus text Z sedih2.
Z pon tetibe bg text sedih...
hahaha.
cam tah hape hape.
camne la org laki bini dok jauh-jauh.
T-T
tumpang sedih utk org len.

oklah.
jumaat nak ronda jalan tar dgn tasha.
semalam g dgn Z.tapi tak beli pape.
buat lawatan dulu.
hihi.

++ ReZKi ++

bulan ni macam banyak pulak rezeki.
menang Nippon Paint contest worth RM2k.
is invited to d prize giving ceremony kat hotel subang.

then Z told me that his company trip is in october.
going to Taiwan.
boleh bawak istri free of charge.
siap dapat duit poket.
so maybe di situlah kami babymoon.
hiks.
Zareef pon ikut tau!

then 1 evening Z balik tetibe.
slalu message sblom balik.
muke berseri-seri.
dok ciom-ciom Zareef n aku.
then bawak keluar a bundle of 50 notes.
rezeki di bulan Ramadhan.
alhamdulillah.

pre-walker shoes mendapat sambutan.
alhamdulillah.
yg ready stock boleh bawak balik kampung nnti.
:)

mcm banyak rezeki........
tapi aku sedih sbb rezeki susu Zareef sangat menurun.
:'(
d fact that i'm fasting.
org cakap puasa tak menjejaskan susu unless if u r dehydrated.
n aku adelah selalu dehydrated.
selalu nak pitam.pukul 4,5 memang dah lembik-lembik badan.
:'(

ari jumaat first time bukak pose sbb sahur sikit sgt.
pukul 10am da lembik!
so berbuke la sy.
ari ahad pukul 6am da bukak pose!
sbb....sbb...
susu tade...:'(
Zareef da nanges-nanges lapar.

last week when i went back to hometown,
i went to see my gynae.
i told her dat my menstrual cycle has gone crazy.
yelah.sebulan 4 ari je tak peod.
ape kes.sian z n aku.haha.
then she suggested i stop Depo n try amik contraceptive pills.
tp bukan norriday.sbb kalau ambil norriday,
it will give me d same effect mcm Depo.
so she suggested to take Yasmin
[same yg aku ambil sblom kawen tuk betolkan peod]
but she warned me milk production will be affected.
aku discuss dgn Z n he said ok lah try Yasmin pulak.

who knows that it really affects my milk production.
sampi tade susu!!!!
a few days earlier ok lg.
sbb dose die masih rendah kot dalam badan.
masuk day 6.
tetibe susu tade.
ade la.tapi sikit sangat.
typical mum like me agak stubborn tamo bagi FM.
so i took my EBM, put it in d bottle n fed him.
Zareef ni mmg dari dulu kalau dengan mummy die,
die tanak bottle.
kalau ngan kak Mas ok pulak die.
maybe he knows; mommy is here so i want direct feeding!
so die mmg reject my EBM.
then sbb lapar, die dok nyonyot jugak-jugak sampai tertido.
adoi laaaa...

the next morning,
baru lepas sahur pon..
die nak susu tapi susu terlampau sikit!
Zareef da start ngamuk.
dengan linangan airmate i made him FM.
tried to feed him,
lagi kuat die nanges.
then mintak Z pulak yg suapkan kot mau.
nanges kuat sangat.
susu yg masuk dlm mulut tu die muntah kan balik.
siap sembur2 airliur mcm sedih sgt mamapapa bg susu x sedap.
nanges lg aku.
sian sgt.
then bile aku nak bg direct feeding,
die nangis mcm takut sgt tu FM.
6am terus bukak pose.
:'(
minum hot milk.
adelah rase susu ter'produce'.
pujuk2 Zareef baru die nak nenen.
[merajuk kuat!]
terus tertido...
siannye la..

kesimpulannya Yasmin sgt kejam!
aku dah bincang dgn Z.
nak stop la amik Yasmin.
aku boleh terime kalau rezeki susu utk Zareef setakat ni.
n terpakse topup FM.
nak buat macamne kalau Allah tentukan macamni.
tp masalahnye Zareef tanak.
takkan nak biar die lapar...
maybe Z n i will need to try other things for family plannings.
ANY other things yg tak affect susu.

nak kate tak usahe,
mcm-mcm dah buat.
makan supplement dah macam pesakit cancer telan ubat.
:(
ape org cakap elok,
cepat2 beli.
sampai badan dah bau ubat!
T.T
tp tulah.
aku anggap ni ujian.
masih berdoa n berusaha.
aku selalu cakap,
takpela kalau kene topup FM utk bulan puase.
then pastu fully breastfeed balik selagi termampu.
tp Zareef boikot FM habis-habisan.

when i read blogs pasal breastfeed ni..
i think i have these problems:

1. mase pregnant x niat betol2 nak susukan anak.waktu tu mcm blur.bile Zareef da kluar baru bertekad.
2. kurang minum air. aku adelah tak suke minum air banyak-banyak sbb tak suke kene kencing banyak.fullstop.
3. slalu skip pumping sessions.yes.especially kat office sbb skrg rase malu nak pump kalu ramai sangat kat office.bunyi machine ngrenggg ngrengggg...
4. cepat lapar tp tak reti nak isi perot.ni kes bukan di bulan pose la.di bulan pose ni aku da 3 ari tak pose tau!T.T

tu je kot.selebihnye aku masih berdoa,berusaha n tawakal!
da start letak tumbler atas kepale.so tiap kali terjage nak kencing malam-malam,
lepas kencing minum lg air banyak-banyak.so bile bangun kencing lg,minum lg.dats how it works now.
n terpakse la tak pose a few days dah kalau tgok susu tade.i have to.

technically-nye, masih fully breastfeed Zareef.
but im ready to add 1 session of FM in his meal.
everybody wants d best.
so-do-i.

++ SaYaNG ++

happy birthday sayang!
dah tua pon!
hihi...

this is d 4th time we celebrate ur birthday together.
n i hope that there r many years to come for us.
i love u.
i really do.

Allah has answered my prayers.
tot it was hard to forget.
but He makes it easy for me.
alhamdulillah.
so plz la quit smoking.
:)

i hope u love d little treat u had last night.

well, we had buka puasa at Little Pantry ioi mall.
love this restaurant to d bits!
suma sedap.
no pictures were taken sbb lapar sgt da.
this breastfeed mommy menggeletar kaki every 5pm!
hahaha.

a few days before, Z gave me five hundreds plus
so that i can buy my dreamed handbag.
i was overjoyed!
but looking in our wardrobe,
i realised that he hasn't bought even a piece of baju raya yet
[while both Zareef n i had almost completed ours]
so i decided to use d money to bring him to buka puasa
n later i asked him to pick 1 shirt from d polo haus.
1 jela.mahal kot.siap tak bagi ambil yg new arrival!
hahaha.

then we went to PDI n shopped for a few more pieces baju raya.
so all of sudden both of us dah banyak pulak baju raya.
sitting at Tutti Frutti,
2-2 dah plan nak beli ape lagi after this.
Z said i better buy Polo Handbag.ade 1 yg gorgeous la pulak semalam.
n i think i need to get a pair of jeans n at least 2more tops.
n 1 kasut raye.dah tu je.
Z nak beli jeans polo n tshirt new arrival n of course baju melayu.
utk Zareef maybe 2,3 more will do.
pehtu duk diam-diam sbb duet konpem ciput.

by d time i licked my yogurt ice cream,
baru teringat dat we didnt buy anything for Zareef.
sedih pulak.
cepat-cepat nak rush ke Poney tp kedai da tutup.
x pela nak,
nanti kite g d curve ye.

itu sahaje cerite celebration Z's birthday
n shopping raya.
petang ni macam nak makan kat SR pulak.
tak complete kan birthday without cake.
a slice would do!
n saye tak puase.
dah 2ari tak pose.
later la story pasal breastfeed journey yg menyedihkan!
tsk!

papai.
happy weekEND.

++ aLHamDuLLiLLaH ++

i won consolation prize from nippon paint!
it is rm2k paint makeover!
alhamdulillah!
syukur!

=)

n we might be going for a babymoon after raya...
insyaAllah!

=)