++ oF 19th WeeK ++

Detailed Scan

so yesterday, I was scheduled for detailed scan at HUKM.
we went there at 10am n were attended by 11am.
freaking 1 hour of waiting time.
normal la kan.
we learnt from our lesson.
kali ni both Z n I brought our reading materials to kill d time.

when i walked into d scan room,
a few doctors were already there.
in fact Prof yg specialist in the prenatal/multiple pregnancy problems was there too.

Z sat next to me.
n the scan session began...

both babies are still growing.
in fact this time we can actually see their faces.
d eyes, noses, lips, fingers...
d organs...
kidneys, bladders, lung...
ALL... EVERYTHING....

d only problem is...
the second twin is still smaller compared to the first twin.
almost 40% discrepancy.

then they did Doppler Test.
i read a lot about this test.
1st twin is perfectly normal.
2nd twin susah nak measure.
the baby kept on moving n hiding...

after 1 hour...
the Prof came and sit next to me.
explaining details that we have been hearing so many times before.

the difference is,
this time around they are sure that it is not TTTS.
but it is SIUGR.

SIUGR means only 1 baby's growth is affected.
yg normal tu is ok.

BUT...

if the SIUGR baby is not able to survive,
the 2 normal twin will be affected too.

if SIUGR baby is dead in the womb,
the normal baby MIGHT die within 1 week.

or...

if the normal baby is survive,
30% of the survive babies are exposed to brain damage.

Scary right?
there is more...

so d Prof explained to us what we can do.

1. we can actually do nothing and pray that somehow the SIUGR baby will be able to pickup nutrients and develop the growth. catching up with the other twin.

2. we can undergo a procedure, whereby a needle will be inserted into my womb. n they will kill the SIUGR baby.by doing this, the normal baby can be saved.

my question was:
"Doctor, you mean we kill the baby?"

her reply was:
"yes"

n i straight away tearing.
how could i do such thing?
we are not talking about removing the dead baby.
but we are talking about killing the other baby who is perfectly developed n still active.

i couldn't digest everything properly.
i know the doc was just doing her job to explain situations and procedures.

i am at my 19th week.
they can only take out both babies at 28th week.(at least)
lebih lama babies stay in the womb will be better.
tapi nak menyampai ke 28th weeks seems impossible to them.

i don't know.
i couldn't stop crying.

i believe that if Allah has determined that both babies will be mine,
then it is meant to be that way.
n if Allah has other plan,
by taking away one of them or both,
let it be with Allah's own way...

i did ask the d Prof,
is there any case where the SIUGR babies eventually recover themselves.
she said yes.
there is 1 couple from Johor who comes to HUKM for the same case.
n somehow d SIUGR baby develops n now they are out of danger zone.

i felt relief!
even a slightest chance means a lot to me!

my little fighters inside...
don't worry darlings.
mama n papa will never give up on both of you.
we love u a lot.
n we believe that you both are strong enough to go thru this.

sayang...
if anything happens against our will,
i want both of you to know that mama loves you so much.
i'm not taking any actions not because i don't care...
but i just couldnt choose between both of you.
you both are my angels.
you both mean a lot to me.
n i shall never choose...

mama, papa, abang Zareef, opah, atok, aunties...
all are praying for you two.

stay strong plis.
mama needs both of you...

every punch, elbow n kick i feel inside are like little messages that they are trying to send to me..
telling me that they are still holding on...
n mama should not give up on them...